Applying to Jobs on Craigslist

Before I started temping I would I apply for a lot of jobs on craigslist. Now that I am semi-semi-gainfully employed, I find it fun to make light of the job search and send fake emails to positions posted on craigslist. Here’s one such exchange.

First the post:

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/etc/324405483.html

My email:

From: Sean Mailed-By: gmail.com
To: job-324405483@craigslist.org
Date: May 4, 2007 4:44 PM
Subject: Captain/First Mate Position
Reply | Reply to all | Forward | Print | Add sender to Contacts list | Delete this message | Show original | Message text garbled?

Greetings,

I am writing to apply for the Captain/First Mate Position on
Craigslist.org. While I have no experience on the high seas per-se,
I believe I posses several qualities that make me ideally suited for
sea life. I generally like to be drunk and from many pirate movies I
have seen (not really that many, but enough to form an opinion) this
Is a necessary quality. Secondly, I have not a treacherous bone in my
body. I would never, ever, ever foment a mutiny against my dastardly,
stinking, one-eyed captain. In addition my slender figure would look
excellent in drag, providing my lonely male mates something close to
female companionship. I shall work cheaply, perhaps a shilling or two
for my troubles each day along with a enough turnips to fill my belly.
My resume and references are available upon your request.

Thank you,

Sean Hart

Explaining the Lockhorns – 4/27/07

After a couple of days of so-so Lockhorns, creator’s Hoest and Reiner give us a vintage panel. Loretta is about to enter “Peter’s Beauty Salon,” for her appointment. Leroy believes nothing short of a miracle could make his wife attractive and sarcastically declares this to her. If we are to believe there is any continuity to the Lockhorns universe, this could insult could be in retaliation for Loretta’s mockery of Leroy when he was recently in the hospital.

Explaining the Lockhorns – 4/26/07

Leroy is in the hospital having suffered what look like serious injuries to his right foot and, left arm, and head.  He looks to be in great pain.  Loretta has come to visit him.  She declines to offer him comfort and offers a comment about never forgetting how to ride a bicycle.  This statement is curious.  Knowing Leroy’s disdain for exercise, it is unlikely he was actually riding a bicycle.  Perhaps Leroy was performing some other instinctual activity that led to this injury and Loretta is merely making a joke.  This panel offers more confusion after each viewing.

Explaining the Lockhorns – 4/25/07

This is yesterday’s Lockhorns.  Sorry for the delay.

Leroy has come home quiet disheveled from either  a) a late night out or b) a hard day at the office.   It is uncertain, but the thinking man’s money is on option a.   Loretta has a megaphone.  Leroy takes this as a signal that Loretta wants to have a serious discussion about their relationship.  At some point previous to this panel, Loretta had purchased a megaphone.  She then thought an effective means of communicate with her husband over their marriage difficulties would be said megaphone.  Loretta’s glum expression shows that this is probably a serious ploy for healing and not a clever joke.

HBO – The Greatest Network Ever

Sixty percent of Americans recently admitted they would like to be friends with someone who has HBO.  Given this sensationI thought it would be a good idea to look at HBO’s lineup of original programs.

• The Sopranos - This show recently entered its final season of disappointing fans.  Diehards can look forward to pointing out that “the Russians from that one episode never came back.” 
• Entourage - Imagine a show wear we see the effects of fame on a movie star, his manager, his brother, and his longtime friend.  We see them struggle to come to terms with life in Hollywood and their relationships to one another.  Ahh forget all that!  Let’s watch these guys back over into beautiful women and buy expensive shit!  Man, being a guy is great.  Beer! Pussy!
• The Wire - An Amazing, realisitc, intelligent look into the ecosystem of cities and the drug trade, but you probably don’t have the patience to watch it.  What is wrong with you.  Go watch “Lost.”
• Deadwood – Ditto.
• Rome – Ancient Rome is just like today – corruption, sex, and lies.  Get it? Great.
• Big Love – Mormons aren’t all boring like Mitt Romney, they are actually really horny sex machines.  Also Harry Dean Stanton “plays” a crazed cult leader. 
• Curb Your Enthusiasm - A multi-millionaire gets pissed off at the same little things that annoy everyone. 
• Extras - Though enjoyable, the American version has a bit more depth and more developed cast of characters.

In conclusion, you might want to consider ordering HBO or at the very least pirating these shows off bit torrent. 

Explaining the Lockhorns – 4/24/07

Wow. For a good solid minute this edition of The Lockhorns had me pretty baffled. Leroy is checking the mailbox (which is strangely in the middle of the sidewalk) and is disappointed not to find 1,068 letters with money. Loretta mockingly notes the situation. At first I thought this was a reference to some sort of Publisher’s Clearing House competition, however the 1,068 letters really wouldn’t make sense. Leroy has most likely fallen for some sort of chain letter scheme. This fits his everyman, get rich quick persona. The specificity of 1,068 letters is somewhat odd, but that’s The Lockhorns for you. Also of note is the lazy way the street has been rendered – merely white space.

Explaining the Lockhorns – 4/23/07

Today the Lockhorns are back in form, making clear and direct jokes. Loretta has done a most frightening thing, she has cooked. Leroy, after finishing the meal his wife has thoughtfully though ineptly cooked for him, offers a comment that indicates her cooking is so bad that he could use it to repair their bathtub. Loretta sulks off into the kitchen perhaps to rage or cry. It is worth noting that the Lockhorns are not a classless couple, they have fine China in a fancy cabinet in their dining room.

Explaining the Lockhorns – 4/18/07

Recently a commenter asked me to explain the April 18th “Lockhorns.” Mistakingly I explained the April 19th strip instead. Today is finally the requested explanation.

Hmmm. This Lockhorns does seemingly manage to stretch the bounds of “humor.” Leroy is reading some document, probably the newspaper or a magazine when Loretta enters to ask him about a 20 dollar bill found in his pants. Of course the money in question is in fact Leroy’s.  Loretta’s unyielding desire to mooch money from Leroy has blinded her to this obvious conclusion.  Another interpretation is that Leroy himself is poor and having 20 dollars in his pants is surprising to Loretta. This view is unlikely. we know that Leroy works and Loretta does not.  Both Leroy and Loretta seemed bored in this strip.

Explaining the Lockhorns – 4/21/07

Note:  As I have suspected someone else has a blog where they take a daily comic and explain it in a humorous way.  A friend pointed this out to me after I had started my feature on the Lockhorns.  I probably should stop, but I enjoy writing these posts.  Given this recognition I feel no compunctions in continuing my efforts.  If you would like to visit this other fellow please access “Joe Mathlete Explains Today’s Marmaduke.“  Enjoy.  Now, on we go!

Once again we find the Lockhorns in a formal, social situation where they are entertaining one of their slightly more attractive friends.  Loretta is playing the piano.  Presumably she is playing rather loudly and off key.  Leroy explains that his guest’s displeasure is only for the moment, however Leroy must endure this regularly.  This probably indicates that Loretta often plays the piano badly and does not improve.

Explaining the Lockhorns – 4/19/07

Today I received a comment requesting me to explain today’s Lockhorns. So Let’s Go!

This is one of the more bizarre Lockhorns I’ve seen in a while. Loretta has most likely stated that Leroy and she need more open communication in our their marriage(a typical relationship complaint). Leroy has responded by adding a second phone line and a second phone right next to the original phone (we can assume they already had one phone). This seems to violate the Lockhorns Rule #2 = Leroy is a cheapskate. It is for this reason we must assume Leroy is playing an elaborate prank on Loretta as opposed to totally misunderstanding her and thinking she wanted a second phone line. Further evidence of this theory is Leroy’s smirk. This is an understandably confusing Lockhorns episode.